sigh

The past few days in Medellín and Back in Manizales, have been the most emotional ones in a long long while.

Sort of like the cycle of a relationship flashed by in 4 weeks.

It's funny, becoming friends, 3 weeks, being a couple hmm.. 3 days, breaking up 3 days, staying good friends and feeling broken hearted.. 1 day so far.

The thoughts in my mind about it all somehow dissent between each other.

On one side, I feel like fighting, full of life and eager to put all this behind and continue with the most exceptional thing I've felt in a long time, because she is great, I am determined and I want her.

On the other side is like.... hmm, do I really want to???????, I mean, yes I felt great and amazing, but I didn't really felt she did. And the moments we spent were nice but not as great as I had pictured them.

Then there is the always haunting..... WE DO NOT LIVE IN THE SAME CITY!, can we handle being so far away?... but mann, it is not so far, it's only 5 hours and like 15 dollars away... I can handle that... will she???

What happened was stupid, and nothing or no one but me is to blame. However, looking at it closely, why did i go there "alone" in the first place??, because she didn't want to go, and wouldn't go to do something else with me... she wanted to sleep, this is really childish to say, but I really need to let it out -I have this blog for this kind of statements.-

But then i look at her in a picture, and i really want to hug her, for a long while.

Is she really willing to do something for me?, or since i've been giving so much... I'm not allowing her to give... and only to give in return.

It felt forced to chat with her today, i do not know why, so don't ask, but it just didn't flow right.... it felt it completely emotionless, and constrained from showing feelings.. and apart from telling each other what we were doing it didn't go much further... now... if you think about the long call we had yesterday... it flowed very nicely... we went on about everything that happened and fell back to ride on the back of poems, and then on really nice, very "us" kind of cool talk, the names came back for each other, and it ended with a "kiss".

It's 4:30 am, I really need a cool day tomorrow, but i can't sleep.. it's been two movies.... and I just don't quite get sleepy. the thought of her swirls inside of my mind, I want to write beautiful feelings in careful words, but then would she read them as just words??? , do I swirl around in her mind???... if i think for what i've felt today... hhmmm: no. But if you think in a little wider time frame: yes. the conclusion to this may be that i'm swirling less and less on her mind.

Now... the thing comes down to this: Do we keep talking about what happened, and about how we want to make it exceptional again, and keep giving us time (it has only been one day so far), or do I move back to nourishing the relationship. Do we move to grief and loss, or to happiness and companionship. The answer would be trivial. but can I do it on my own????.. nope I cannot do it on my own.. and there lies the dilemma, she is sorrow, but i am only sorrow because she is, otherwise i'd be glorious. So... how do I move her heart from going to grief to going to happiness, without forcing her so it breaks.... but without letting her too loose so it falls.

At the end of the day... one may say that we are only are a couple of people that met for a couple of weeks kissed and hugged for a couple of days and then didn't.... or maybe say... that we are two individuals that are bound together by laws beyond them and are just starting their life together... Maybe we are just getting started, and we both overcomplicate things, and have too many friends and time to discuss them???

If I let her alone a couple of days, will she feel I'm not there, and come looking for me?

If i send her all my feelings will she read them as an excuse? will she become tired of me?

All I will conclude so far is that i will not message her tonight.

I'll deal with my heart again tomorrow. and sigh myself to sleep today.

"Un suspiro es el aire que nos sobra, por alguien que nos falta"